On empathy

Today I want to talk about something that is in my eyes very important – for all interactions with other human beings.

People are different.

Seems simple?

I notice more and more that it is not that simple to understand, not for everybody.
When I look at this world I see many, many people that do not seem to understand that we are all different. People have individual dreams, goals, wishes, experiences, fears and the list goes on. We human beings are similar in many ways yet not in all. One simple example for this is ideologies –
since the dawn of time, human beings fight over what they believe is the solution, what they believe is right and true. And it is right and true – but only in their own, personal world.

See,

everything we encounter in life is experienced based on our own individual understanding, our own reality

– how we experience things is determined by our past experiences and the personality traits that are given to us by our DNA.
What seems harmless to you can be highly triggering and therefore damaging to the person next to you. What seems unnecessary and meaningless to you can mean the world to somebody else. What brings you joy can be torture for someone else.
There are people that are born super compassionate and with a high sense of justice but there are also people who struggle with these things and need to learn them. Just like some people are better at maths than sports. And the differences do not stop in taste or talents, they continue in how we deal with agony and how we heal.

What I wished people understood is that basically everybody thinks what works for them, will work for the rest – and that this is a misconception.

When you suffer from heartbreak, trauma, depression and other “conditions” people are quick to tell you how long you will need to heal, what you need to do to heal and in general what the solution to your problem is. Little do they know that each healing path (and it doesn’t matter what causes you agony) is different.

Every person heals differently.

Some never heal at all. Some lose their fights against the demons in their heads and some live with them their whole lives. Some exist but stop living. Some seem to overcome every battle easily. Some heal faster than others. Some need more time. We are all individuals and therefore our paths are highly individual.

We human beings tend to oversimplify complex topics to make things easier and forget that many things cannot be simplified, simply because we human beings are complex ourselves.

There is not ONE way. There are many ways and many solutions and everybody has to find something that works for them. And this gets me to the point that is very important to me for you to understand:

If a person you care about suffers, do not judge. Offer solutions but understand that it’s possible that your personal solution will not be the right one for the other person. Do not judge on how quickly or slowly the person heals. Be compassionate. Do not just try to see things from the other’s perspective – try to feel things from the other person’s perspective.

The key to helping others and to understanding is not taking the other perspective and seeing things from there, the key lays in feeling from the other perspective, in real empathy that paves the way for compassion.

To make the opposite clear: People that are told to not have feelings, like sociopaths, are able to take your perspective. Otherwise, they would not be able to be masters of manipulation. Emotionally abusive people can see things from your view and they do – the difference is that they do not feel like you do. They know it causes you pain but they
cannot feel the pain with you. They rather feast your agony, it amuses them (that’s why it is highly important to cut people like this out of your life!).

So, if you want to be able to help other souls to suffer less, to be a good friend, to be there for them, it is important to not only try to see things from their perspective but also to feel with them.

If you do that, it is easier to understand. If you understand, it is easier to stay away from judgment and to offer your genuine support. If you feel with your beloved ones it will be easier for you to offer solutions that might be the right ones for that particular person. You will still see things from the outside but that can actually make it easier to be rational and objective.

So, today I want you to question your own conceptions of the world.

Challenge yourself to be more creative in handling interactions with other souls. For compassion, you need creativity and communication. That’s why it’s so important for children to play and to be able to have their own phantasies instead of putting them in front of a screen.

Through phantasy, role plays and creativity, human beings can learn to be more
compassionate and therefore to understand others better and stay away from judgment.

If you have any further questions or comments, do not hesitate to express them.

Love,
SoyaDeba

PS: If the difference between empathy and compassion is not clear to you, here you can find it well explained.

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The balancing act between political correctness and fighting injustice and violence around the world

Today I want to talk about human rights, especially women’s rights. I say human rights because I don’t think you can or should divide women’s problems from all the other human rights problems this world has. Today I want to talk about injustice and political correctness and the problems I see.
(In this post, I will mainly focus on women’s rights/feminist topics as examples – because those are the topics I know the most things about.)

Many feminists here in Europe seem to concentrate only on the women’s rights in Europe. If women suffer violence or inequality on other continents than Europe or other countries than the United States, it seems like our feminists don’t seem to care that much anymore.

When I talk about violence against women and the lack of rights women have,  unless stated differently, I talk about all women all over the world.

When I stand up against violence against women, I stand up for all girls and women all over the world. I raise my voice against genital mutilation, against rape cultures, against any kinds of oppression. I will not bite my tongue in order to avoid offending people that tell the world “but those are other cultures. Let them do what they always did.”

NO.

Injustice, violence, oppression – it is always wrong. No matter where. I don’t see a difference between a rape in Iraq and a rape in Germany – both are equally evil. Both are equally wrong. I am against every kind of violence in this world.

We have one world. We may be many different cultures, many different people yet we are one. We are many, yet we are one. I don’t see “these and those women”.
Violence against women is violence against every single woman out there. Same goes for children, same goes for racism.

Hate is hate. Oppression is oppression.

And to think we cannot point out injustice in other countries, in other cultures, in other families because of political correctness misses the main point of political correctness –

It should stand for justice, acknowledgment, team spirit. Not for silence. Not for looking away.

I will always point out cruelty. I will always point out violence.

Women are not free as long as there are women systematically oppressed in this world.

And don’t get me wrong, we have to understand that cultures are different. We have to understand that not because they are evolved differently, they are less evolved than we are.
Practices and ideals differ from culture to culture and this is not something I will protest against yet I cannot and will not look away when it’s obviously oppression and violence. I will not look away when I see women who want to fight for their rights and think themselves there is violence and injustice in their culture.
When I see women from other cultures standing up, fighting and asking for support – I will hand my support and help at any time.
The key is to understand the difference between trying to implement your own ideals into their heads – and an open communication, supporting people in their cultures, fighting obvious injustice, cruelty, violence.
Who are we to judge what is the right culture?
But who are we if we don’t help people who want to survive, who want to live a life in peace and without chains?
Who are we if we ignore suffering and pain of millions of children and women because “their culture is like that”?

I think we need to understand that cultural differences are amazing and beautiful but that many cultures in this world also have traits of awful violence and injustice – removing the hate won’t remove the culture.

We have to approach everything with compassion.

With compassion, we understand.

When we understand, we can help where help is needed, we can support where support is needed, without judgment, without arrogance. But looking away and keeping silent because we don’t want to offend anyone is wrong. It’s dangerous. It supports the people who spread hate. It supports the people who oppress.

Love,
Soya

PS: I hope this makes sense, I just wrote down my thought this time. Let me know what you think, I’m always open to constructive thoughtful criticism xx

Why

I often get the question: “Why did you publish a book about this topic?” Or “How long did it take you to write it?”

It took me about six months to finish the book. Every time I struggled to understand myself, my behaviour, I wrote. Writing makes me understand myself better. So the book is a collection of deep feelings inside of me.
I must admit that I wrote From the Ashes I Will Rise mainly for myself.
The book is not only about surviving rape, it is mainly about a struggle caused by emotional abuse. About wanting to be close to someone but not being able to because of the scars on our souls. Emotional abuse is something that is often underestimated and people tend to say “Just get over it already” yet little do they know that it is not easy to just get over something that not only broke your heart but also altered everything you believed in.

The book is not an act of revenge on my ex-boyfriend. It is clearly nothing like this. Of course, I had the thought of showing him that I can go public and talk about what he did to me but I do not want him to feel bad, anymore. But I can never forget what happened. We were both young and even though I never will want to play down what he did, I don’t have any hatred in my heart for him. I pity him for ruining a love that was real, clear and honest, yes. But in order to heal I had to let go and what I did to do this was writing. I wrote about my pain and my thoughts. I wrote about the trouble finding new love and about failing at letting myself falling in love again and at trusting other people.

So why did I publish it? If it was only for myself in order to heal?

As I was writing down my pain and started talking to some people from my inner circle, that I trust, I realised it is something we need to talk about. People are hurting every day, everywhere in situations where you think they would be safe. But they aren’t because they are being betrayed by people they love.

Abuse is something that happens in every country, every religion, everywhere on earth and most of the time we cannot see it. We do not know what happens behind closed doors, often we cannot know if the smile of someone is real or fake. Talking about it is still kind of a taboo. The survivors feel ashamed, feel ashamed for letting someone that is so toxic to their soul, into their lives and mainly for letting this person stay.

I must admit, after the rape, I did not break up with my ex. I stayed and I let him do it again and again. And the reason for breaking up was another one.
Why did I stay? Because I, like so many others, lived in denial. I let this person treat me like a piece of shit, for a long time. Why? Because he was the greatest boyfriend you can imagine, in the beginning.

And this is the tricky part. People do not show their real faces in the beginning. I always hoped it was just a bad phase and he would go back to who he was before, the lovely boyfriend I fell so deeply in love with.

But guess what? If they cross a line once, they will do it again. And I’m not saying people can’t change but there is a line that should not be crossed. Everyone has a bad phase once in a while but if that bad phase is making you feel horrible and worthless and is betraying your trust and love then it is time to leave. Life is too short to stay involved with people that cause you more heartbreak than everything else.

Emotional abuse is real. Emotional abuse leaves scars on your soul that can start bleeding again every minute.

Emotional abuse causes unhealthy trust issues, self-doubt and loneliness. This is not something that goes away easily. Everything that you thought was real and honest was a lie. The love, the relationship, the affection.
Someone made you feel special, created an attachment and then left you hanging in agony. And this is something you cannot simply get over. It is a long way with uncountable ups and downs. It can take years and tears and more heartbreaks and building up emotional walls, till you are ready to let someone in again and when you do, you push that person away because if you do it, that person cannot push you away. You lost control once and the worst thing of all is the fear of losing it again. So emotional abuse survivors tend to push you away, act irrationally and bitchy, not to hurt you but to not get hurt. Yet with that behaviour, they hurt themselves.

It’s a vicious circle.

And you can only break out of it with patience, self-love and hope. Work on yourself, identify what triggers you and catch yourself in the act.

If you recover from emotional abuse, be patient with yourself. Find ways to express yourself, for me it’s writing, maybe for you, it’s drawing or photography. Art is always a good answer. But trust me, if you ignore your inner voice, one day it will feel like everything that you kept locked up, will crash you.
And always remember, forgive yourself. Love yourself. Take care of yourself.

You are stronger than you think.
I rose from my ashes and so will you.

 

The Darkness, my old friend.

Oh, hello darkness, it’s you again. It’s been a while.

So what are your plans now?
Do you intend to try to burn me again?
Haven’t you learnt? Haven’t you learnt anything?
Every fight we had, I won. I won, not you.

Do you really think you can get me this time? After all this time?
Do you really think you could burn me now?
Burn me to the ground?
Haven’t you learnt? Haven’t you learnt anything?

Every time you try burning me to the ashes,
I rise.

Oh darkness, how naive of you.
You cannot burn a phoenix.
I rose and I’ll rise again, every time you burn me down.

Oh darkness, my good old friend.
After all this time, I’m pretty comfortable with you being around,
nagging, demanding I give up finally.

Oh darkness, haven’t you learnt?
I will not give up.

But if you insist, let’s play this game, again, for good old times sake.

You’ll haunt me in my sleep, sending me nightmares,
make me wake up anxious, covered in cold sweat.
You are going to put the panic back into my life.
You’ll whisper in my ear “You are not good enough. This isn’t worth it. You’re not worth it. Cry, Soya, but it doesn’t get better. You are not normal. You’ll never be. Just give up, just give up.”
You will rob me my sleep, turn me into a vampire again, into someone that functions but doesn’t live.
You will steal my smile and make me fake one.
You will make me push beloved ones back on spec.
And then, then comes your masterpiece:
You will burn me alive,
you will burn my soul and heart
so that all that’s left is numbness and emptiness.

I know every move you make, my old friend.
I know how you work and I know what you’ll do.
You’re out of surprises, my dear darkness.

You may haunt me, you may send me nightmares and bring back the anxiety, the panic into my life. You may steal my smile for a while and you may burn me alive
but what you always forget is
that you cannot burn a phoenix.

So let’s play this game, my old friend.
But just know,
you cannot win.

I will always rise from my ashes.

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10 things you should know when you date someone who was in an abusive relationship before

People who were in abusive relationships are often different than others and being with someone like this can be confusing at times.

Often people do not know how to react when their partners tell them that they were in an abusive relationship before.

1.Inform yourself                                            It is important to know that there are several different types of traumas and also that an abusive relationship does not necessarily mean that it was physically abusive as well. Toxic relationships often remain “just” psychical while these also leave deep scars on the survivor’s soul. Being put down, being felt unworthy and crazy is very common in those relationships.  The abusers first create a bond between them and the victim. Creating a deep attachment is what they’re good at. Abusers are mostly very charming and from the outside they seem like the “cool guy” or “cool nice girl”. It is mask; psychopaths, narcopaths, sociopaths and narcissists are perfect actors and are perfect at manipulating people. It is not easy to look behind that mask and unfortunately very often only the victims have to see their real face one day, normally when they’re already attached to that person. Those people are masters at pretending and lying and also at showing others that their partner is the crazy one. Most people who get out of a relationship like this have to fight trust issues and a low self-esteem thinking they’re unworthy and probably thinking they all deserved it. It is a long way to understand that nothing was the victim’s fault but the abuser’s. So inform yourself about psychopaths, narcopaths, narcissists and sociopaths. Those people normally do not feel as other people do. Often the only feeling they know is rage and anger. All other feelings are normally fake and with a close look at their behaviours you can sometimes spot the “fakeness”, everything they do often seems exaggerated.

2. Believe him/her                                            When your partner tells you about his/her history, believe him/her. It probably took him/her a lot to even talk about this, so appreciate his/her trust and believe him/her. The abuser probably gave him/her the feeling of being the crazy one and talking about this is a big step and believing that it he/she was not the crazy one is not simple after being in a manipulative relationship.

3.  Do not ask why he / she was involved with a person like that in the first place or stayed with that person                            Like I explained above, abusers are normally very manipulative and charming and do not seem bad at first glance, they create a deep attachment before showing their real face.

Keep in mind, every human being can be manipulated, just think of advertising; how often did you buy something because the advert was good? And this is just one simple example. Humans get manipulated almost daily and brain washing someone is possible. Some people are easier to manipulate than others but it can happen do every one. Is this attachment created it is hard to cut this person out of your life. The abuser has been lovely so why shouldn’t it just be a bad phase? If you’re in a toxic relationship then you often think of those good times you had, telling yourself that this is just a bad phase and you cannot just end everything because of a bad phase, right? If you’re in love with someone you do not want to see the ugly truth. It’s not that simple to see the ugly truth. It is everything but easy to accept the fact that the person you love can hurt you so deeply and to forgive yourself to let this person into your life. So do not ask your partner why he/she stayed, tell him/her that you think it’s brave and admirable that he/she made it out there alive.

4. Do not make him/her feel like a victim                                                                    Your partner went through hell and came out alive, your partner is a warrior and survivor, not a victim and on top of that your partner very probably felt like a victim for a long time and this is everything but a nice feeling. Your partner needs you to be strong for him/her because he/she feels vulnerable when he/she tells you about everything. Of course it’s hard to understand how someone could hurt him/her so wickedly and it might make you angry but do not react in an aggressive way, try to keep calm and tell him/her you believe him/her and that he/she is a survivor and that you are always there to talk to. Of course you can say things like you cannot understand how someone could hurt your partner so deeply but do it in a calmly way to not scare him/her. Be his/her rock.

5. Do understand his/her reactions            Going through a hell like this leaves deep wounds on one’s soul and one consequence is often having panic attacks or simply being more sensitive concerning some things. Try to talk to your partner about this and ask how he/she would like you to react if he/she ever has a panic attack or ask what might feel uncomfortable for him/her. Since every experience is different the reactions and traumas are different. But in every situation keeping calm is always a good reaction. Ask him/her if you can hold him/her, if he/she wants a tea or wants to be alone. When he/she panics remain calm! Do not panic or cry or anything like this. Talking during a panic attack or shortly after is very hard but talk to him/her anyway, even if you do not get a reply. Try to calm him/her in the best way thinkable and accept it if he/she does not want to talk about it in that moment, you can try it the next day again if you have questions but always keep in mind that your partner might feel exposed, weak and vulnerable in those situations. So be sensitive about it but not too much, as I said, do not make your partner feel like a victim.

6. Accept and respect his/her boundaries                                                        If your parner experienced sexual assault or rape then he/she might behave different than other people. They might want to stop during the act because they do not feel comfortable and you have to accept it and stop immediately. Keep in mind that everything can be a trigger that causes flashbacks and panic attacks. If your partner does not want to have sex with you yet then you need to accept it and if he / she is truly important to you then there is no need to rush things anyway. Your partner has to heal from those wounds and this is the most important thing. Your partner is not prude for not wanting to do everything in bed or to do anything for the moment. Your partner just went through a heartbreaking agony and needs time. But also do not make decisions for him/her. If he/she wants to sleep with you just make sure he/she really wants to but do not say no because you think it might be the best for him/her. It’s your partner’s decision if he himself/she herself wants it, so if you both want it it’s fine.

7. He/She won’t get over it soon                 Do never ask your partner to get over it already. He/she can’t get over something that changed his/her life forever. Telling your partner that it should be time to be over it is one of the biggest mistakes you can do. Do not ever rush your partner. Seriously.

8. Good and bad days                                       There are good and bad days. Some days are easier for your partner than others, it might even seem like he/she healed from those wounds but they will be days when he/she has the feeling as this whole thing swallows him/her. There might be days where it is hard to even get out of bed. So be patient. Try to understand him/her and be supportive as possible as you can be. Encourage your partner to take care of him-/herself but don’t be pushy. Encourage him/her to talk about his/her feelings, take him/her seriously and ask how you can help.

9. Recognize your partner’s strength       and help him/her to do so, too, as well as feeling better about himself/herself. Most survivors feel extremely guilty for what happened, help your partner to get rid of this feeling and support him/her by pointing out his/her strength. There will be days when your partner has the feeling as he/she can’t make it on her own or feels like giving up. Encourage her in all ways thinkable and give him/her a feeling of being safe and worthy. And help your partner to consider professional help.

10. Do not think you have to fix it all        Don’t think you have to be the one to fix it all. That’s impossible and to heal from those deep wounds is mostly impossible without professional help. Support your partner to find this and be there to talk to but keep in mind you cannot replace a therapist. Rather help your partner to find one without making him/her feeling crazy. Seeking professional help can be a big step since you have to face your own problems and some people feel ashamed of having to go to a therapist yet when people are physically sick they all go to see a doctor. A wound on your soul is as damaging for your whole being as a visible one and it often needs help to heal and this is nothing to be ashamed of.

Just make it clear that you will support your partner but that some things need a bit of extra help to be fixed. Also do not make your partner feel damaged. Your partner went to through hell and is wounded but your partner is not damaged, just deeply hurt and traumatized.
I know that these things can seem a lot to ask for but if you truly care for your partner then you have to think about this. It is probably  a big step that your partner even decided to be in a relationship again so appreciate his/her trust. Your partner will heal but you can be a big help or you can be a hurdle. Keep that in mind and in return you will get probably the deepest love that you have ever experienced. People with walls up normally love the deepest 😉

If you have any questions or whatever, feel free to leave a comment;)

Love,

Soyadeba 

What people don’t tell you about the consequences of rape and sexual assault

  1. Panic attacks
    The survivors of sexual assault and rape often have to deal with panic attacks even years afterwards. But what is a panic attack?
    A panic attack is an overwhelming feeling that takes over and can hit you in every situation that does not feel 100% comfortable. You have a feeling of losing control over yourself and your reactions. You feel paralysed and being crashed by an avalanche of negative emotions. Shaking, being jumpy and maybe crying is the part that the other people see but what you feel is a fight. A battle over happiness, a battle over control, a battle over emotions that overcome your whole being. Pictures you thought you’ve processed come back to your mind and ruin a situation that was meant to be beautiful. Often it just strikes out of the blue without any warning. A racing heart, a choking feeling, feeling unreal and detached from your surroundings. Every feeling is contracting in your chest, going up your throat and building a big lump in it. Feeling out of breath, not being able to talk.
    But how do you get out of them?
    You need to ask yourself what exactly the triggers are that cause a panic attack that sets you back to the incidents. Then try to avoid situations where it’s possible to be triggered. When you have some time for yourself ask yourself what is it that makes you feel content, calm and happy? Is it a looking at beautiful flowers? Hiking? The forest? Stargazing? It can be whatever, it just needs to be something that symbolises peace, calmness and safety for you. Practice imagining this symbol, just like meditating. Then when a panic attack hits you try to sit down, close your eyes, pet your arms slowly and softly with your hands and concentrate on this symbol until the lump in your throat is loosening and you’re feelingDSC_0119 calm again. Tell yourself that you are safe. Tell yourself that you are okay. Tell yourself that you are normal because that is what you are. You are not what happened to you.
  2. The Talk
    No one tells you that you probably have to talk to your partner or soon-to-be partner about what happened to you. Even if you don’t do it there will probably come a moment where you do not react like other people would do behind closed doors. You have experienced a terrible and awful thing and it’s absolutely normal that you do not enjoy everything like you used to before or like other people enjoy it. If you are still afraid of having Sex with somebody then you do not need to do it. There is no rush. It is your body and your mental health. But you’ll probably come to the point where your partner should know, at least kind of, what happened to you in order to react the right way or in case you have a panic attack. If your partner knows these things your partner can even help you to cope with it.
    No one tells you that if you hook up with someone that it’s possible that you suddenly feel uncomfortable out of nowhere and that you feel like leaving or that you might just run away. So every time before it gets to a point like that the survivors have to ask themselves if they should tell their partner about it or not since we do not want to put a person in a situation like that if it was not their fault at all.
    Do not feel ashamed to talk about it, do not feel abnormal. It can happen to everyone and I’m sorry to say that but if your partner cannot deal with this and cannot be there for you or is even victim-blaming then you should not see that person again. You went through horrible things and you do not need such negativity in your life.
  3. Rape in relationships
    Most survivors experienced rape in a relationship or with someone from the inner circle.
    Rape happens in relationships. If you tell your partner to stop or that you do not want to sleep with him/her then your partner has to respect that. If your partner does not respect it then it is rape. When someone from your inner circle does you wrong like this the survivor mostly does not start a physical fight. First of all, you would have never thought that this person would do this to you since you trusted him/her and that is your right. It is your right to trust people from your surroundings. It is okay that you did not start a physical fight or that you only said “stop” or “no” because with what right does someone touches your body or even puts something inside of it if you don’t want it? It’s still rape. It’s not non-consensual sex because there is sex and there is rape and if you don’t want somebody to touch you or sleep with you then it’s rape. You do not have PTSD for no reason. It doesn’t matter if you started a fight with your perpetrator or not because your PTSD is not lying, your feelings are not lying to you. This person did destroy a part of your soul and it wouldn’t have been different if you had screamed or hit or kicked that person because the rapist would not care anyway. A rapist only cares about power, his needs and satisfaction. A rapist does not care about you and would not care if you started a fight, most of the time. And it could have ended even messier or even more dangerous if you had fought physically.
  4. Feeling paralysed
    As I started to explain the reaction of yours is normal even if you did not fight. You did not want to have Sex or be touched and someone forced it on you anyway.
    Lots of survivors talk about the feeling of being paralysed.
    People need to understand that in a situation that harms you your inner instincts are to flee, freeze or fight. But normally your body’s sympathetic system chooses the instinct of freeze, being paralysed. You just block your surroundings out, you’re not able to speak or think anymore till the situation is over because that is how you can survive. It’s a protective mechanism of your brain and therefore it’s absolutely normal!
  5. People will make you feel like a victim
    When you finally decide to talk about everything then there will be lots of people that make you feel like a victim even though all you want to do is feeling normal, being like everyone else.
    People don’t do this to make you feel bad! There are good people out there and they just cannot believe that someone would hurt a rose like you, that someone could ever harm a beautiful soul as yours. Don’t let them make you feel like a victim because you are a survivor. You survived something that was meant to destroy you and yet here you are reading this, breathing, being alive. Tell these people that you are not what happened to you and that you might be more sensitive about some things now but you are not a completely different person, you just went through hell yet you came out alive and that is what makes a survivor out of you, not a victim.
  6. Feeling hopeless
    There will be times when you feel hopeless and blue. Times when you want to give up on everything, times when you think you cannot cope with all these things.
    But guess what? That is normal, that just means that you do have feelings in an ice-cold and fast moving world and that my dear, that is a beautiful thing.
    There are always little things in life that can make you smile and can dry your tears, even if it’s only reading a book, going for a walk or listening to your favourite artist. Hold onto those little things that are actually the biggest things when it comes to happiness. You will feel hopeless but always remind yourself of the good things in life.
    After darkness comes always light and without darkness light would not even exist.
    That’s life and your life goes on and you will handle this sadness and you will get through it. You are stronger than you think. Just take all the time you need to lick your wounds.SorayaCF071884

GIVEAWAY OF MOON DANCER

Giveaway November!
This month you have the chance to win one of two signed copies of SoyaDeba’s second book ‘Moon Dancer’ on goodreads! Get this poetry collection with its brand new cover and layout.
This collection of poetry deals with the topics of toxic relationships, raises awareness of the aftermath and emotional abuse and shows you a way of self-discovery and self-love. Do not miss out on this opportunity!

“A journey derived from isolation and loneliness to a path of self-discovery and self-worth. Guaranteed that once you start reading, you won’t want to put the book down.”
-Lloyd Theo Kinglsey Dwaah

“This collection of poetry begins as uncomfortable yet entrancing. But SoyaDeba’s spirit of compassion fills these pages until it overflows, possessing the reader’s essence with intense endearment. A must-read. A must-feel.”
– Eliel Pierre

Open for entries on November 15, 2017 – enter here

 

#Under the sun’s eyes

Fire shines on my olive shell

red carnations cast a magic spell.

A magenta coloured mist lays in the air,

quieting the thundering blare,

a taste of passion bursts into bloom,

leading to the mistrust’s doom.

His smell lingers on my spine

after his spirit merged with mine.

The ardour majestically grows

into a dark red rose.

His name is written on my heart,

loyalty is our purest art.

-SoyaDeba

My key to healing

We cannot go through life without having to experience pain as well. Sometimes the pain seems like a wound that will never close and can start bleeding again every single day of our lives. In my almost 24 years on this earth, I went through lots of heartbreaking agonies that often almost made me give up. Yet I’m here now, writing this for you, to help you with your own healing process.

When people share their stories with me or simply the sadness they currently feel and don’t seem to be able to cope I always give them one advice: Live through the pain.

But what does that exactly mean?

When you experience heartbreak, whether it’s a loss or a trauma, we feel this unbelievably huge ache in our chest. We feel as though we cannot handle it anymore. We feel like our heart is breaking into little pieces creating a pile of shards that we cannot seem to be able to pick up anymore. Our life seems to stand still and we don’t know how to continue living and finding our way back to the light, out of the darkness.
Well, this is how I feel.

We can bandage our wounds with alcohol, other drugs, jumping from one partner to another, cigarettes, parties or simply lots of distraction. Yet it will always bleed through. We do not heal by distraction. Hidden feelings do not fade, they get stronger.

So what am I doing when I find myself back in the darkness?

Every day I take some time to just let the pain crash me.
I sit or lay down and feel everything I don’t want to feel. When I feel like crying, I cry. Until the tears stop by itself. I allow myself to feel what breaks my heart.
I let myself shatter. I let the agony overwhelm me. With no drugs. Sober. 
I allow myself to feel. I allow myself to be sad. I allow myself to be angry. I allow myself to feel exhausted, drained, destroyed and desperate.
And I accept it.
I accept the situation as it is. I accept that, for example, this particular person is not in my life anymore. I accept that something horrible happened. I accept. No matter what caused this agony, I accept the situation as it is.
Because it doesn’t help or make sense to keep questioning. It doesn’t help at all to keep asking yourself “Why me? Why did that happen?”. That’s life.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh but this world and this life will not always be nice to you and sometimes horrible things happen. That’s life.
And you have to accept it.

Depending on what caused the pain I go through, it takes longer until I slowly feel better. But in my experience, the hurting only gets better when you feel it and accept it. Do not lock your feelings away. Hidden feelings just get stronger.

When you do that every day you learn something that is very important:

This hell you are going through right now might feel as though it is burning you alive but it does not kill you.

It hurts, I know, but it does not kill you.

So take a moment every day or every other day to feel what you are going through. Try to accept it. In the beginning, it’s hard but it gets easier. And for the rest of the day:
Live your life. Go to work. Go to university or school. Do something for yourself. Do something that creates value. Maybe learn how to meditate or how to cook. Maybe start doing sports or start drawing or writing. Writing your thoughts down is something that helps me for example. Work on your self-love.
But please, please do not lock your feelings away. Work on yourself. You can do it. You will survive this. Trust me, I’ve been there. I know the feeling of thinking that nothing makes sense anymore, the feeling of being empty and numb, I know sadness and pain.
I know the recurring thoughts that haunt you. And I know that hidden feelings get stronger and I know that you can ease the pain with lots of distraction and maybe even drugs but in the end the pain just gets stronger and one day it will break out and it will crash you way more horrible than when you let yourself feel it every day without any kind of drugs.

And concerning heartbreak: No one in this world owes you your happiness. No one. Accept it. Just like you don’t owe other people happiness. You have to create happiness yourself, within yourself. Everybody will hurt you at some point in your life, we are all just human.

Please take care of yourself. Practice self-love. You got this. You are not alone.

Love,
Soya

Be a Queen

Normally I don’t get inspired by celebrities like Beyoncé to write a blog post but I must admit that I find it interesting how she is celebrating her pregnancy. My whole facebook feed is full of articles about her Grammy performance the other day. I read lots of comments from people complaining about her, saying that she was extremely egocentric and that it’s not normal to celebrate a pregnancy like that, she is behaving like she actually thinks she was a queen.

Whilst I think it might be true that she is a little bit too full of herself I’d also like to ask you what can we learn from her?

Almost every woman gets pregnant during her lifetime and gives birth so we tend to think it’s nothing special. But what we also tend to forget is that it’s still a wonder, a miracle that a new life is created. Women give life to this earth yet women are the ones that are being oppressed in most parts of the world. Women are the ones that are not appreciated enough for what they do.
Beyoncé is a woman that celebrates being a woman.

Why do you think men oppressed and still oppress women all over the world?
Because women are weaker?
No, because they exactly know that a woman who knows her worth is dangerous because she is independent. Men need women. Of course, women often need men, too, but men pretend like only they were needed and as though they wouldn’t need women for success and that they’re smarter and stronger. But why do they oppress us then? If we are weaker and less intelligent anyway?

It’s time for us to stand up and celebrate being women just like Beyoncé does.
We give love and life to this earth.
The woman’s body is holy as it’s creating the purest and most beautiful magic there is: New life.
Your body is a holy temple.

Beyoncé makes pregnancy holy again, Beyoncé shows us that women are holy and while she might exaggerate a bit, we cannot forget that she still is an artist.

To all the women out there that carry the unborn child, you are beautiful and it’s time for you to see it for yourself.
To all the women out there, start celebrating being a queen because you are a queen.

The queen of nature.

And I do not want to say that women should start oppressing men, no. It’s time for unity. It’s time for peace and equity.
Treat women like they deserve it and you will get more love back than you can ever imagine.
Treat your woman like a queen and she will make you feel like a king.

Love,
SoyaDeba

f9404dcf075af19d6d2ea3556f2fbe24.jpgPhoto credit: unknown (let me know if you know who’s picture that is, found it on google)

“He will tell you how beautiful you are.
The most beautiful he has ever come across.
How you rose the bar just by being you
and how crazy his last women were.
He will tell you to never hold anything back
because keeping feelings inside can
be damaging to you.
You will be his soulmate
and he will tell you he wants to do this and go there
and do that with you.
He will tell you how he was waiting for you
his whole life
and that you must be the reason why it never worked
out with anyone else before.
Because you two are meant to be together.

And then, then you feel special and loved.
You slowly start trusting him and then you slowly
start falling for him.
You will tell him about your fears and pain.

But then, then he leaves you
without ever having actually acted the way he
promised.
No actions have ever followed his words.
He will leave you hanging
and then you will feel more lonely than ever.
He will hold your weaknesses against you
and judges you for talking about your pain.
He will tell you how self-centred you are and that he
just wants to be happy
yet you cannot make him happy.

Darling,
words are nice and beautiful
but if actions never follow, they are just words.
Lies.
Do not believe anyone everything,
love-bombing is a good way to gain control over
you,
to create an attachment and to make you feel
as though you cannot live
without that person anymore.
Let him prove to you that he means
what he says.
And never forget,
you survived the turmoil of life
before he came across,
so you will be fine without him
in your life.

You deserve someone who means what
he says.”
Soyadeba

portrait
My new book: Moon Dancer, April 2017 available on Amazon.
Get my first book now: From the Ashes I Will Rise