We cannot go through life without having to experience pain as well. Sometimes the pain seems like a wound that will never close and can start bleeding again every single day of our lives. In my almost 24 years on this earth, I went through lots of heartbreaking agonies that often almost made me give up. Yet I’m here now, writing this for you, to help you with your own healing process.
When people share their stories with me or simply the sadness they currently feel and don’t seem to be able to cope I always give them one advice: Live through the pain.
But what does that exactly mean?
When you experience heartbreak, whether it’s a loss or a trauma, we feel this unbelievably huge ache in our chest. We feel as though we cannot handle it anymore. We feel like our heart is breaking into little pieces creating a pile of shards that we cannot seem to be able to pick up anymore. Our life seems to stand still and we don’t know how to continue living and finding our way back to the light, out of the darkness.
Well, this is how I feel.
We can bandage our wounds with alcohol, other drugs, jumping from one partner to another, cigarettes, parties or simply lots of distraction. Yet it will always bleed through. We do not heal by distraction. Hidden feelings do not fade, they get stronger.
So what am I doing when I find myself back in the darkness?
Every day I take some time to just let the pain crash me.
I sit or lay down and feel everything I don’t want to feel. When I feel like crying, I cry. Until the tears stop by itself. I allow myself to feel what breaks my heart.
I let myself shatter. I let the agony overwhelm me. With no drugs. Sober.
I allow myself to feel. I allow myself to be sad. I allow myself to be angry. I allow myself to feel exhausted, drained, destroyed and desperate.
And I accept it.
I accept the situation as it is. I accept that, for example, this particular person is not in my life anymore. I accept that something horrible happened. I accept. No matter what caused this agony, I accept the situation as it is.
Because it doesn’t help or make sense to keep questioning. It doesn’t help at all to keep asking yourself “Why me? Why did that happen?”. That’s life.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh but this world and this life will not always be nice to you and sometimes horrible things happen. That’s life.
And you have to accept it.
Depending on what caused the pain I go through, it takes longer until I slowly feel better. But in my experience, the hurting only gets better when you feel it and accept it. Do not lock your feelings away. Hidden feelings just get stronger.
When you do that every day you learn something that is very important:
This hell you are going through right now might feel as though it is burning you alive but it does not kill you.
It hurts, I know, but it does not kill you.
So take a moment every day or every other day to feel what you are going through. Try to accept it. In the beginning, it’s hard but it gets easier. And for the rest of the day:
Live your life. Go to work. Go to university or school. Do something for yourself. Do something that creates value. Maybe learn how to meditate or how to cook. Maybe start doing sports or start drawing or writing. Writing your thoughts down is something that helps me for example. Work on your self-love.
But please, please do not lock your feelings away. Work on yourself. You can do it. You will survive this. Trust me, I’ve been there. I know the feeling of thinking that nothing makes sense anymore, the feeling of being empty and numb, I know sadness and pain.
I know the recurring thoughts that haunt you. And I know that hidden feelings get stronger and I know that you can ease the pain with lots of distraction and maybe even drugs but in the end the pain just gets stronger and one day it will break out and it will crash you way more horrible than when you let yourself feel it every day without any kind of drugs.
And concerning heartbreak: No one in this world owes you your happiness. No one. Accept it. Just like you don’t owe other people happiness. You have to create happiness yourself, within yourself. Everybody will hurt you at some point in your life, we are all just human.
Please take care of yourself. Practice self-love. You got this. You are not alone.