On empathy

Today I want to talk about something that is in my eyes very important – for all interactions with other human beings.

People are different.

Seems simple?

I notice more and more that it is not that simple to understand, not for everybody.
When I look at this world I see many, many people that do not seem to understand that we are all different. People have individual dreams, goals, wishes, experiences, fears and the list goes on. We human beings are similar in many ways yet not in all. One simple example for this is ideologies –
since the dawn of time, human beings fight over what they believe is the solution, what they believe is right and true. And it is right and true – but only in their own, personal world.

See,

everything we encounter in life is experienced based on our own individual understanding, our own reality

– how we experience things is determined by our past experiences and the personality traits that are given to us by our DNA.
What seems harmless to you can be highly triggering and therefore damaging to the person next to you. What seems unnecessary and meaningless to you can mean the world to somebody else. What brings you joy can be torture for someone else.
There are people that are born super compassionate and with a high sense of justice but there are also people who struggle with these things and need to learn them. Just like some people are better at maths than sports. And the differences do not stop in taste or talents, they continue in how we deal with agony and how we heal.

What I wished people understood is that basically everybody thinks what works for them, will work for the rest – and that this is a misconception.

When you suffer from heartbreak, trauma, depression and other “conditions” people are quick to tell you how long you will need to heal, what you need to do to heal and in general what the solution to your problem is. Little do they know that each healing path (and it doesn’t matter what causes you agony) is different.

Every person heals differently.

Some never heal at all. Some lose their fights against the demons in their heads and some live with them their whole lives. Some exist but stop living. Some seem to overcome every battle easily. Some heal faster than others. Some need more time. We are all individuals and therefore our paths are highly individual.

We human beings tend to oversimplify complex topics to make things easier and forget that many things cannot be simplified, simply because we human beings are complex ourselves.

There is not ONE way. There are many ways and many solutions and everybody has to find something that works for them. And this gets me to the point that is very important to me for you to understand:

If a person you care about suffers, do not judge. Offer solutions but understand that it’s possible that your personal solution will not be the right one for the other person. Do not judge on how quickly or slowly the person heals. Be compassionate. Do not just try to see things from the other’s perspective – try to feel things from the other person’s perspective.

The key to helping others and to understanding is not taking the other perspective and seeing things from there, the key lays in feeling from the other perspective, in real empathy that paves the way for compassion.

To make the opposite clear: People that are told to not have feelings, like sociopaths, are able to take your perspective. Otherwise, they would not be able to be masters of manipulation. Emotionally abusive people can see things from your view and they do – the difference is that they do not feel like you do. They know it causes you pain but they
cannot feel the pain with you. They rather feast your agony, it amuses them (that’s why it is highly important to cut people like this out of your life!).

So, if you want to be able to help other souls to suffer less, to be a good friend, to be there for them, it is important to not only try to see things from their perspective but also to feel with them.

If you do that, it is easier to understand. If you understand, it is easier to stay away from judgment and to offer your genuine support. If you feel with your beloved ones it will be easier for you to offer solutions that might be the right ones for that particular person. You will still see things from the outside but that can actually make it easier to be rational and objective.

So, today I want you to question your own conceptions of the world.

Challenge yourself to be more creative in handling interactions with other souls. For compassion, you need creativity and communication. That’s why it’s so important for children to play and to be able to have their own phantasies instead of putting them in front of a screen.

Through phantasy, role plays and creativity, human beings can learn to be more
compassionate and therefore to understand others better and stay away from judgment.

If you have any further questions or comments, do not hesitate to express them.

Love,
SoyaDeba

PS: If the difference between empathy and compassion is not clear to you, here you can find it well explained.

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The balancing act between political correctness and fighting injustice and violence around the world

Today I want to talk about human rights, especially women’s rights. I say human rights because I don’t think you can or should divide women’s problems from all the other human rights problems this world has. Today I want to talk about injustice and political correctness and the problems I see.
(In this post, I will mainly focus on women’s rights/feminist topics as examples – because those are the topics I know the most things about.)

Many feminists here in Europe seem to concentrate only on the women’s rights in Europe. If women suffer violence or inequality on other continents than Europe or other countries than the United States, it seems like our feminists don’t seem to care that much anymore.

When I talk about violence against women and the lack of rights women have,  unless stated differently, I talk about all women all over the world.

When I stand up against violence against women, I stand up for all girls and women all over the world. I raise my voice against genital mutilation, against rape cultures, against any kinds of oppression. I will not bite my tongue in order to avoid offending people that tell the world “but those are other cultures. Let them do what they always did.”

NO.

Injustice, violence, oppression – it is always wrong. No matter where. I don’t see a difference between a rape in Iraq and a rape in Germany – both are equally evil. Both are equally wrong. I am against every kind of violence in this world.

We have one world. We may be many different cultures, many different people yet we are one. We are many, yet we are one. I don’t see “these and those women”.
Violence against women is violence against every single woman out there. Same goes for children, same goes for racism.

Hate is hate. Oppression is oppression.

And to think we cannot point out injustice in other countries, in other cultures, in other families because of political correctness misses the main point of political correctness –

It should stand for justice, acknowledgment, team spirit. Not for silence. Not for looking away.

I will always point out cruelty. I will always point out violence.

Women are not free as long as there are women systematically oppressed in this world.

And don’t get me wrong, we have to understand that cultures are different. We have to understand that not because they are evolved differently, they are less evolved than we are.
Practices and ideals differ from culture to culture and this is not something I will protest against yet I cannot and will not look away when it’s obviously oppression and violence. I will not look away when I see women who want to fight for their rights and think themselves there is violence and injustice in their culture.
When I see women from other cultures standing up, fighting and asking for support – I will hand my support and help at any time.
The key is to understand the difference between trying to implement your own ideals into their heads – and an open communication, supporting people in their cultures, fighting obvious injustice, cruelty, violence.
Who are we to judge what is the right culture?
But who are we if we don’t help people who want to survive, who want to live a life in peace and without chains?
Who are we if we ignore suffering and pain of millions of children and women because “their culture is like that”?

I think we need to understand that cultural differences are amazing and beautiful but that many cultures in this world also have traits of awful violence and injustice – removing the hate won’t remove the culture.

We have to approach everything with compassion.

With compassion, we understand.

When we understand, we can help where help is needed, we can support where support is needed, without judgment, without arrogance. But looking away and keeping silent because we don’t want to offend anyone is wrong. It’s dangerous. It supports the people who spread hate. It supports the people who oppress.

Love,
Soya

PS: I hope this makes sense, I just wrote down my thought this time. Let me know what you think, I’m always open to constructive thoughtful criticism xx

GIVEAWAY OF MOON DANCER

Giveaway November!
This month you have the chance to win one of two signed copies of SoyaDeba’s second book ‘Moon Dancer’ on goodreads! Get this poetry collection with its brand new cover and layout.
This collection of poetry deals with the topics of toxic relationships, raises awareness of the aftermath and emotional abuse and shows you a way of self-discovery and self-love. Do not miss out on this opportunity!

“A journey derived from isolation and loneliness to a path of self-discovery and self-worth. Guaranteed that once you start reading, you won’t want to put the book down.”
-Lloyd Theo Kinglsey Dwaah

“This collection of poetry begins as uncomfortable yet entrancing. But SoyaDeba’s spirit of compassion fills these pages until it overflows, possessing the reader’s essence with intense endearment. A must-read. A must-feel.”
– Eliel Pierre

Open for entries on November 15, 2017 – enter here

 

#Under the sun’s eyes

Fire shines on my olive shell

red carnations cast a magic spell.

A magenta coloured mist lays in the air,

quieting the thundering blare,

a taste of passion bursts into bloom,

leading to the mistrust’s doom.

His smell lingers on my spine

after his spirit merged with mine.

The ardour majestically grows

into a dark red rose.

His name is written on my heart,

loyalty is our purest art.

-SoyaDeba

My key to healing

We cannot go through life without having to experience pain as well. Sometimes the pain seems like a wound that will never close and can start bleeding again every single day of our lives. In my almost 24 years on this earth, I went through lots of heartbreaking agonies that often almost made me give up. Yet I’m here now, writing this for you, to help you with your own healing process.

When people share their stories with me or simply the sadness they currently feel and don’t seem to be able to cope I always give them one advice: Live through the pain.

But what does that exactly mean?

When you experience heartbreak, whether it’s a loss or a trauma, we feel this unbelievably huge ache in our chest. We feel as though we cannot handle it anymore. We feel like our heart is breaking into little pieces creating a pile of shards that we cannot seem to be able to pick up anymore. Our life seems to stand still and we don’t know how to continue living and finding our way back to the light, out of the darkness.
Well, this is how I feel.

We can bandage our wounds with alcohol, other drugs, jumping from one partner to another, cigarettes, parties or simply lots of distraction. Yet it will always bleed through. We do not heal by distraction. Hidden feelings do not fade, they get stronger.

So what am I doing when I find myself back in the darkness?

Every day I take some time to just let the pain crash me.
I sit or lay down and feel everything I don’t want to feel. When I feel like crying, I cry. Until the tears stop by itself. I allow myself to feel what breaks my heart.
I let myself shatter. I let the agony overwhelm me. With no drugs. Sober. 
I allow myself to feel. I allow myself to be sad. I allow myself to be angry. I allow myself to feel exhausted, drained, destroyed and desperate.
And I accept it.
I accept the situation as it is. I accept that, for example, this particular person is not in my life anymore. I accept that something horrible happened. I accept. No matter what caused this agony, I accept the situation as it is.
Because it doesn’t help or make sense to keep questioning. It doesn’t help at all to keep asking yourself “Why me? Why did that happen?”. That’s life.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh but this world and this life will not always be nice to you and sometimes horrible things happen. That’s life.
And you have to accept it.

Depending on what caused the pain I go through, it takes longer until I slowly feel better. But in my experience, the hurting only gets better when you feel it and accept it. Do not lock your feelings away. Hidden feelings just get stronger.

When you do that every day you learn something that is very important:

This hell you are going through right now might feel as though it is burning you alive but it does not kill you.

It hurts, I know, but it does not kill you.

So take a moment every day or every other day to feel what you are going through. Try to accept it. In the beginning, it’s hard but it gets easier. And for the rest of the day:
Live your life. Go to work. Go to university or school. Do something for yourself. Do something that creates value. Maybe learn how to meditate or how to cook. Maybe start doing sports or start drawing or writing. Writing your thoughts down is something that helps me for example. Work on your self-love.
But please, please do not lock your feelings away. Work on yourself. You can do it. You will survive this. Trust me, I’ve been there. I know the feeling of thinking that nothing makes sense anymore, the feeling of being empty and numb, I know sadness and pain.
I know the recurring thoughts that haunt you. And I know that hidden feelings get stronger and I know that you can ease the pain with lots of distraction and maybe even drugs but in the end the pain just gets stronger and one day it will break out and it will crash you way more horrible than when you let yourself feel it every day without any kind of drugs.

And concerning heartbreak: No one in this world owes you your happiness. No one. Accept it. Just like you don’t owe other people happiness. You have to create happiness yourself, within yourself. Everybody will hurt you at some point in your life, we are all just human.

Please take care of yourself. Practice self-love. You got this. You are not alone.

Love,
Soya

Be a Queen

Normally I don’t get inspired by celebrities like Beyoncé to write a blog post but I must admit that I find it interesting how she is celebrating her pregnancy. My whole facebook feed is full of articles about her Grammy performance the other day. I read lots of comments from people complaining about her, saying that she was extremely egocentric and that it’s not normal to celebrate a pregnancy like that, she is behaving like she actually thinks she was a queen.

Whilst I think it might be true that she is a little bit too full of herself I’d also like to ask you what can we learn from her?

Almost every woman gets pregnant during her lifetime and gives birth so we tend to think it’s nothing special. But what we also tend to forget is that it’s still a wonder, a miracle that a new life is created. Women give life to this earth yet women are the ones that are being oppressed in most parts of the world. Women are the ones that are not appreciated enough for what they do.
Beyoncé is a woman that celebrates being a woman.

Why do you think men oppressed and still oppress women all over the world?
Because women are weaker?
No, because they exactly know that a woman who knows her worth is dangerous because she is independent. Men need women. Of course, women often need men, too, but men pretend like only they were needed and as though they wouldn’t need women for success and that they’re smarter and stronger. But why do they oppress us then? If we are weaker and less intelligent anyway?

It’s time for us to stand up and celebrate being women just like Beyoncé does.
We give love and life to this earth.
The woman’s body is holy as it’s creating the purest and most beautiful magic there is: New life.
Your body is a holy temple.

Beyoncé makes pregnancy holy again, Beyoncé shows us that women are holy and while she might exaggerate a bit, we cannot forget that she still is an artist.

To all the women out there that carry the unborn child, you are beautiful and it’s time for you to see it for yourself.
To all the women out there, start celebrating being a queen because you are a queen.

The queen of nature.

And I do not want to say that women should start oppressing men, no. It’s time for unity. It’s time for peace and equity.
Treat women like they deserve it and you will get more love back than you can ever imagine.
Treat your woman like a queen and she will make you feel like a king.

Love,
SoyaDeba

f9404dcf075af19d6d2ea3556f2fbe24.jpgPhoto credit: unknown (let me know if you know who’s picture that is, found it on google)

“He will tell you how beautiful you are.
The most beautiful he has ever come across.
How you rose the bar just by being you
and how crazy his last women were.
He will tell you to never hold anything back
because keeping feelings inside can
be damaging to you.
You will be his soulmate
and he will tell you he wants to do this and go there
and do that with you.
He will tell you how he was waiting for you
his whole life
and that you must be the reason why it never worked
out with anyone else before.
Because you two are meant to be together.

And then, then you feel special and loved.
You slowly start trusting him and then you slowly
start falling for him.
You will tell him about your fears and pain.

But then, then he leaves you
without ever having actually acted the way he
promised.
No actions have ever followed his words.
He will leave you hanging
and then you will feel more lonely than ever.
He will hold your weaknesses against you
and judges you for talking about your pain.
He will tell you how self-centred you are and that he
just wants to be happy
yet you cannot make him happy.

Darling,
words are nice and beautiful
but if actions never follow, they are just words.
Lies.
Do not believe anyone everything,
love-bombing is a good way to gain control over
you,
to create an attachment and to make you feel
as though you cannot live
without that person anymore.
Let him prove to you that he means
what he says.
And never forget,
you survived the turmoil of life
before he came across,
so you will be fine without him
in your life.

You deserve someone who means what
he says.”
Soyadeba

portrait
My new book: Moon Dancer, April 2017 available on Amazon.
Get my first book now: From the Ashes I Will Rise