Why

I often get the question: “Why did you publish a book about this topic?” Or “How long did it take you to write it?”

It took me about six months to finish the book. Every time I struggled to understand myself, my behaviour, I wrote. Writing makes me understand myself better. So the book is a collection of deep feelings inside of me.
I must admit that I wrote From the Ashes I Will Rise mainly for myself.
The book is not only about surviving rape, it is mainly about a struggle caused by emotional abuse. About wanting to be close to someone but not being able to because of the scars on our souls. Emotional abuse is something that is often underestimated and people tend to say “Just get over it already” yet little do they know that it is not easy to just get over something that not only broke your heart but also altered everything you believed in.

The book is not an act of revenge on my ex-boyfriend. It is clearly nothing like this. Of course, I had the thought of showing him that I can go public and talk about what he did to me but I do not want him to feel bad, anymore. But I can never forget what happened. We were both young and even though I never will want to play down what he did, I don’t have any hatred in my heart for him. I pity him for ruining a love that was real, clear and honest, yes. But in order to heal I had to let go and what I did to do this was writing. I wrote about my pain and my thoughts. I wrote about the trouble finding new love and about failing at letting myself falling in love again and at trusting other people.

So why did I publish it? If it was only for myself in order to heal?

As I was writing down my pain and started talking to some people from my inner circle, that I trust, I realised it is something we need to talk about. People are hurting every day, everywhere in situations where you think they would be safe. But they aren’t because they are being betrayed by people they love.

Abuse is something that happens in every country, every religion, everywhere on earth and most of the time we cannot see it. We do not know what happens behind closed doors, often we cannot know if the smile of someone is real or fake. Talking about it is still kind of a taboo. The survivors feel ashamed, feel ashamed for letting someone that is so toxic to their soul, into their lives and mainly for letting this person stay.

I must admit, after the rape, I did not break up with my ex. I stayed and I let him do it again and again. And the reason for breaking up was another one.
Why did I stay? Because I, like so many others, lived in denial. I let this person treat me like a piece of shit, for a long time. Why? Because he was the greatest boyfriend you can imagine, in the beginning.

And this is the tricky part. People do not show their real faces in the beginning. I always hoped it was just a bad phase and he would go back to who he was before, the lovely boyfriend I fell so deeply in love with.

But guess what? If they cross a line once, they will do it again. And I’m not saying people can’t change but there is a line that should not be crossed. Everyone has a bad phase once in a while but if that bad phase is making you feel horrible and worthless and is betraying your trust and love then it is time to leave. Life is too short to stay involved with people that cause you more heartbreak than everything else.

Emotional abuse is real. Emotional abuse leaves scars on your soul that can start bleeding again every minute.

Emotional abuse causes unhealthy trust issues, self-doubt and loneliness. This is not something that goes away easily. Everything that you thought was real and honest was a lie. The love, the relationship, the affection.
Someone made you feel special, created an attachment and then left you hanging in agony. And this is something you cannot simply get over. It is a long way with uncountable ups and downs. It can take years and tears and more heartbreaks and building up emotional walls, till you are ready to let someone in again and when you do, you push that person away because if you do it, that person cannot push you away. You lost control once and the worst thing of all is the fear of losing it again. So emotional abuse survivors tend to push you away, act irrationally and bitchy, not to hurt you but to not get hurt. Yet with that behaviour, they hurt themselves.

It’s a vicious circle.

And you can only break out of it with patience, self-love and hope. Work on yourself, identify what triggers you and catch yourself in the act.

If you recover from emotional abuse, be patient with yourself. Find ways to express yourself, for me it’s writing, maybe for you, it’s drawing or photography. Art is always a good answer. But trust me, if you ignore your inner voice, one day it will feel like everything that you kept locked up, will crash you.
And always remember, forgive yourself. Love yourself. Take care of yourself.

You are stronger than you think.
I rose from my ashes and so will you.

 

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The Darkness, my old friend.

Oh, hello darkness, it’s you again. It’s been a while.

So what are your plans now?
Do you intend to try to burn me again?
Haven’t you learnt? Haven’t you learnt anything?
Every fight we had, I won. I won, not you.

Do you really think you can get me this time? After all this time?
Do you really think you could burn me now?
Burn me to the ground?
Haven’t you learnt? Haven’t you learnt anything?

Every time you try burning me to the ashes,
I rise.

Oh darkness, how naive of you.
You cannot burn a phoenix.
I rose and I’ll rise again, every time you burn me down.

Oh darkness, my good old friend.
After all this time, I’m pretty comfortable with you being around,
nagging, demanding I give up finally.

Oh darkness, haven’t you learnt?
I will not give up.

But if you insist, let’s play this game, again, for good old times sake.

You’ll haunt me in my sleep, sending me nightmares,
make me wake up anxious, covered in cold sweat.
You are going to put the panic back into my life.
You’ll whisper in my ear “You are not good enough. This isn’t worth it. You’re not worth it. Cry, Soya, but it doesn’t get better. You are not normal. You’ll never be. Just give up, just give up.”
You will rob me my sleep, turn me into a vampire again, into someone that functions but doesn’t live.
You will steal my smile and make me fake one.
You will make me push beloved ones back on spec.
And then, then comes your masterpiece:
You will burn me alive,
you will burn my soul and heart
so that all that’s left is numbness and emptiness.

I know every move you make, my old friend.
I know how you work and I know what you’ll do.
You’re out of surprises, my dear darkness.

You may haunt me, you may send me nightmares and bring back the anxiety, the panic into my life. You may steal my smile for a while and you may burn me alive
but what you always forget is
that you cannot burn a phoenix.

So let’s play this game, my old friend.
But just know,
you cannot win.

I will always rise from my ashes.

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Muse: The Phoenix

love it. check his blog out!

AfroGlyphics

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Mystery has revealed its form,

Witnessing a soft countenance,

Modesty brews the curiosity storm,

Of which I brave her predominance,

In strands of hair is recorded history,

And the resilience of her code,

This heart friction causes blistery,

She has adopted the phoenix mode,

From the ashes, feathery lights emanate,

Self-love tattooed near the heart,

Soaring wings of flame illuminate,

Piercing the board of life like a dart.

Inspired by Soyadeba, author of From the Ashes I Will Rise, a poetry book with a touching and convicting story.

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Take control over yourself back

We all have fears, we all are afraid of something, but for some people, this fear becomes an anxiety disorder. For more people than we think.

Some of us are scared of a social life, going out seems to be a horrible idea and we always make up new excuses to not do it.

Other people, lots of people, are scared of opening up to somebody about their thoughts, hopes, fears or whatever is going on in our minds. The fear of opening up is quite common actually, we are afraid of judgement, afraid of being let down once again, of disappointment, of closeness, intimacy.

But how do we overcome this? How is a relationship possible when we are so extremely scared of being hurt? Is it possible? Or do we just have to end up alone and probably lonely since deep down we desire nothing more than a deep and intimate relationship with someone?

I’m not outside of this issue, I struggle with it myself. If you have experienced trauma caused by a beloved one, then you find yourself struggling to trust again. I mean, if someone you are close to can hurt you so deeply and traumatise you, then everyone can do it. If it was your partner or ex-partner, how can you know that the next person will not change from good to bad, show his/her real face one day and then you will be trapped again, let a toxic person into your life, again…

After trauma, you need to learn how to trust yourself again. How to listen to your gut again. Our intuition tells us more than we think but we tend to ignore the quiet voice deep down within us because we are either scared or we do not want to see the warning signs, the red flags. When you are in love you do not want to believe that this person could harm you.

I must say, I saw many red flags in my past relationships, especially in the most toxic one that traumatised me. I ignored the quiet voice that came from the deepest part of my soul. I told myself that this person would never harm me because he loved me.

Well, I was wrong and my intuition was right.

When you look at my story, what do you learn from this? That everyone could harm you and that’s why you need to hide in your apartment or house?

No. 

That your intuition, your soul, the quiet voice within you, knows when there’s some kind of danger in your life. 

To learn how to overcome trauma or your fears, the first step is to start getting to know yourself again. Learn to listen to yourself again. 

As soon as you know your own fears, what you are actually afraid of, as soon as you know yourself, really know yourself, you can take the next step. But this one is necessary for your healing, for your recovery and to finally take control back over yourself.

Try to focus on the positive things about you, the things you like but also acknowledge your weaknesses and start working on them.
It’s not easy, no, it’s really hard but it’s possible.

Trust yourself again. Listen to your gut. Love yourself. Do not be afraid of judgment, everyone has to struggle with something, everyone has fears.
Rise from your ashes.

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love,
soyadeba

Mental Health Tips and Hints

inthemindofamandamacdonald

This blog is going to be how certain things have helped me get through bad points in my mental health and tips I think might help you cope in any dark times .

Im going to start by sharing some quotes that have helped me get through tough times :

Don’t be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams .

Don’t give up . Remember, it’s always the last key on the key ring that opens the door.

Through every dark night, there’s a bright day after that.

Raise your words , not your voice . It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.

I hope by sharing these with you that when you are struggling or finding things difficult remembering one of these will give you the strength to keep going .

A useful way of coping with mental health is by meditation . The benefits of…

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Does everybody deserve love? 

Does everybody deserve love?

I’m not sure. I totally think it’s not another person’s call to say if somebody deserves to be loved or should be loved, well shouldn’t be.

Actually, I think everybody should deserve it. But if someone does other people wrong again and again without a care, does this person still deserve love?

But who are we if we say that a person does not deserve love? Wouldn’t that be kind of evil as well?

Does someone who constantly hurts other people, someone who is highly abusive and manipulative deserve to be loved? What if he/she did not receive any love during his childhood and that is why he/she turned out like that? Because of his/her parents’ mistakes he/her should not deserve any kind of love anymore? I am not sure. But you cannot always take your childhood as an excuse for everything and anything. It is an excuse but there is a fine line that should not be crossed.
Lots of people experience traumas and a poor childhood but they do not always turn out evil as well. There are points in your life when you are old enough to understand that your actions have an impact on everyone around you.

So maybe he/she does not deserve any kind of love anymore if he/she does not give any kind of love.
But let’s take all these wars and this hate in our world. It clearly shows that you cannot defeat hate with hate. So wouldn’t this earth be a better place if everyone would think that everybody deserves or should be loved? Deserved, since every single life matters?

Could love, not only in a romantic way be the cure and the deterrent for most evil acts?

Is it true that love is not really love until you have given it away?

Is it possible to gamble the right to be loved away?

This earth would be a better place if we would put love first because it should be our duty as a human race to try and help other humans as opposed to just banishing them to whatever turmoil is in their future.

If I decide that one person does not deserve any kind of love from me anymore am I right to say that that person should not receive any kind of love from anybody anymore?

I am not sure but I am definitely certain that people should be loved and deserve it at first but it is always possible to gamble that right away.

Love, so complicated and situation-dependent yet so simple and easy.

Be the Queen you already are

Day to day I see women struggling with themselves.                                                                  Being insecure, feeling unworthy, feeling not appreciated, falling for the wrong men.

The root of this problem is not the behaviour of some evil men because there are more good ones than bad ones out there.
The problem is that these women struggle deeply to love themselves,                                       to free themselves from self-hate.
A woman who loves herself is strong and should not be underestimated. A woman who loves herself knows her worth, knows who deserves a place in her life and who doesn’t.     We give life to this earth.                                                                                                                           We carry the unborn child
and we, the women, are the ones to experience the most beautiful pain there is.
We give love to this earth.
A woman that truly loves herself and everyone around her
shines brighter than every star in the sky.

Love your beautiful bodies, love your stretch marks that show you gave new life to this world.
Love yourself.
Spread your positive energy.
Every single one of you is unique.
Go and celebrate exactly this and stop comparing yourself to others.
A flower doesn’t compare itself to other flowers.
A star doesn’t shine less bright only because other stars are shining as well.

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