Why

I often get the question: “Why did you publish a book about this topic?” Or “How long did it take you to write it?”

It took me about six months to finish the book. Every time I struggled to understand myself, my behaviour, I wrote. Writing makes me understand myself better. So the book is a collection of deep feelings inside of me.
I must admit that I wrote From the Ashes I Will Rise mainly for myself.
The book is not only about surviving rape, it is mainly about a struggle caused by emotional abuse. About wanting to be close to someone but not being able to because of the scars on our souls. Emotional abuse is something that is often underestimated and people tend to say “Just get over it already” yet little do they know that it is not easy to just get over something that not only broke your heart but also altered everything you believed in.

The book is not an act of revenge on my ex-boyfriend. It is clearly nothing like this. Of course, I had the thought of showing him that I can go public and talk about what he did to me but I do not want him to feel bad, anymore. But I can never forget what happened. We were both young and even though I never will want to play down what he did, I don’t have any hatred in my heart for him. I pity him for ruining a love that was real, clear and honest, yes. But in order to heal I had to let go and what I did to do this was writing. I wrote about my pain and my thoughts. I wrote about the trouble finding new love and about failing at letting myself falling in love again and at trusting other people.

So why did I publish it? If it was only for myself in order to heal?

As I was writing down my pain and started talking to some people from my inner circle, that I trust, I realised it is something we need to talk about. People are hurting every day, everywhere in situations where you think they would be safe. But they aren’t because they are being betrayed by people they love.

Abuse is something that happens in every country, every religion, everywhere on earth and most of the time we cannot see it. We do not know what happens behind closed doors, often we cannot know if the smile of someone is real or fake. Talking about it is still kind of a taboo. The survivors feel ashamed, feel ashamed for letting someone that is so toxic to their soul, into their lives and mainly for letting this person stay.

I must admit, after the rape, I did not break up with my ex. I stayed and I let him do it again and again. And the reason for breaking up was another one.
Why did I stay? Because I, like so many others, lived in denial. I let this person treat me like a piece of shit, for a long time. Why? Because he was the greatest boyfriend you can imagine, in the beginning.

And this is the tricky part. People do not show their real faces in the beginning. I always hoped it was just a bad phase and he would go back to who he was before, the lovely boyfriend I fell so deeply in love with.

But guess what? If they cross a line once, they will do it again. And I’m not saying people can’t change but there is a line that should not be crossed. Everyone has a bad phase once in a while but if that bad phase is making you feel horrible and worthless and is betraying your trust and love then it is time to leave. Life is too short to stay involved with people that cause you more heartbreak than everything else.

Emotional abuse is real. Emotional abuse leaves scars on your soul that can start bleeding again every minute.

Emotional abuse causes unhealthy trust issues, self-doubt and loneliness. This is not something that goes away easily. Everything that you thought was real and honest was a lie. The love, the relationship, the affection.
Someone made you feel special, created an attachment and then left you hanging in agony. And this is something you cannot simply get over. It is a long way with uncountable ups and downs. It can take years and tears and more heartbreaks and building up emotional walls, till you are ready to let someone in again and when you do, you push that person away because if you do it, that person cannot push you away. You lost control once and the worst thing of all is the fear of losing it again. So emotional abuse survivors tend to push you away, act irrationally and bitchy, not to hurt you but to not get hurt. Yet with that behaviour, they hurt themselves.

It’s a vicious circle.

And you can only break out of it with patience, self-love and hope. Work on yourself, identify what triggers you and catch yourself in the act.

If you recover from emotional abuse, be patient with yourself. Find ways to express yourself, for me it’s writing, maybe for you, it’s drawing or photography. Art is always a good answer. But trust me, if you ignore your inner voice, one day it will feel like everything that you kept locked up, will crash you.
And always remember, forgive yourself. Love yourself. Take care of yourself.

You are stronger than you think.
I rose from my ashes and so will you.

 

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Does everybody deserve love? 

Does everybody deserve love?

I’m not sure. I totally think it’s not another person’s call to say if somebody deserves to be loved or should be loved, well shouldn’t be.

Actually, I think everybody should deserve it. But if someone does other people wrong again and again without a care, does this person still deserve love?

But who are we if we say that a person does not deserve love? Wouldn’t that be kind of evil as well?

Does someone who constantly hurts other people, someone who is highly abusive and manipulative deserve to be loved? What if he/she did not receive any love during his childhood and that is why he/she turned out like that? Because of his/her parents’ mistakes he/her should not deserve any kind of love anymore? I am not sure. But you cannot always take your childhood as an excuse for everything and anything. It is an excuse but there is a fine line that should not be crossed.
Lots of people experience traumas and a poor childhood but they do not always turn out evil as well. There are points in your life when you are old enough to understand that your actions have an impact on everyone around you.

So maybe he/she does not deserve any kind of love anymore if he/she does not give any kind of love.
But let’s take all these wars and this hate in our world. It clearly shows that you cannot defeat hate with hate. So wouldn’t this earth be a better place if everyone would think that everybody deserves or should be loved? Deserved, since every single life matters?

Could love, not only in a romantic way be the cure and the deterrent for most evil acts?

Is it true that love is not really love until you have given it away?

Is it possible to gamble the right to be loved away?

This earth would be a better place if we would put love first because it should be our duty as a human race to try and help other humans as opposed to just banishing them to whatever turmoil is in their future.

If I decide that one person does not deserve any kind of love from me anymore am I right to say that that person should not receive any kind of love from anybody anymore?

I am not sure but I am definitely certain that people should be loved and deserve it at first but it is always possible to gamble that right away.

Love, so complicated and situation-dependent yet so simple and easy.

Panic attacks 

Book: From the Ashes I Will Rise

“[..]Panic attacks

When it comes to panic attacks I can only talk from my point of view. Everybody can google it but for someone who has never experienced it him-/herself it is very hard to understand how it really feels like.

The feeling of losing control over yourself is the worst part of it, I think. When it started with mine I did not really know what was going on although I always had these pictures on my mind. Pictures that haunt me till now.  Pictures of what happened back then.

Not only the pictures from those nights keep coming back to my mind but also ones that concern other incidents I’m struggling with.                                             Therefore I am sure that it feels different if it concerns something else or even someone else.

Some people even panic for apparently no reason where it is way harder to find out the roots of the problem itself. It can be something from your childhood or even something you cannot really remember. But it can also be an anxiety disorder. It is extremely important to know where it comes from in order to defeat it.

Well.. concerning me, it normally starts with a feeling of discomfort. It is something I cannot control, it happens with people I know for a long time but also with people I barely know. My mind tells me “No, you can trust this person” while my feelings tell me “Do not trust anyone.” Like I previously explained if someone you are close to does you wrong like this, you are afraid of everyone.

You can never compare one’s panic attack to another one’s even though the “symptoms” are often similar.

But how can I explain a feeling of something so inexplicable and unbearable?
It can hit me everywhere. It is something I still cannot control one-hundred percent. It is my weakness, my vulnerability.

I do not see myself as damaged or broken but one part of me is definitely not as healthy as others.

It only needs one brief moment that does not feel comfortable and I am losing it. Shaking, being jumpy and not being able to talk is the part that the other person notices. While I feel a fight. A battle over happiness, a battle over control, a battle over emotions that overcome my whole being. Pictures I thought I’ve processed and have made peace with a long time ago suddenly start coming back to my mind. Feeling hopeless. Being angry at myself for losing control over myself. Being angry at myself for letting a person’s act from years ago still control my life. It feels like a vicious circle.

I feel paralyzed.

I want to talk but I can’t. I want to explain how I feel but I just can’t. I want to continue doing what I did but I can’t. I want to have a good time but I can’t because my body just strikes. It is like a writer’s block: You want to write something but you are at a loss for words.

It’s comparable to a blockade just for your body. It feels like every little cell of my body, every little feeling is contracting in my chest, going up to my throat and building a lump in it. A big lump  filled with all the sadness and agony I’ve been through, crushing my soul, overwhelming me. Not being able to breath, feeling out of breath. Feeling a chest tightness. A sadness I cannot handle. Basically losing control over everything; feeling vulnerable, scared, weak, angry, helpless and hopeless; feeling highly uncomfortable and exposed.

Even now just thinking about it while writing this I am struggling for words to explain a reaction experienced so many times in my life that I cannot fully understand myself. I know where it comes from and I know how I’m feeling then but some feelings are indescribable.

How do you explain a feeling when it contains so many different emotions at once?

Most of the time it just strikes out of the blue without any warning. Everything is fine and the next minute I feel like being buried by an avalanche of negative emotions. A racing heart, a a choking feeling, feeling unreal and detached from my surroundings.

It normally feels like it lasts for hours but in reality I think it only lasts about ten minutes. Then I feel better, getting my control back slowly. I slowly can start talking again, the lumps in my breast are loosening. I feel a kind of shame that I exposed myself as so weak but then I tell myself  “At least I am real. A person with feelings in an ice-cold world where feelings are secondary”.

I like to compare it to a feeling of dying inside, burning and then rising again, rising from the ashes like a phoenix.

Often I hate myself for losing control over my own reactions but it is like a vice. Some people’s vices are addictions while mine is this weakness, a weakness that is treatable. Never forget that. It just takes time, healing takes time.

By and by I learned to feel when I am about to have a panic attack again. I still start shaking and feeling paralyzed in a way but I managed over the time to control it so far that I do not start crying uncontrollably and I learned to stop shaking as soon as I notice it. It is still as a war inside of my head when it happens but it is one that I feel like winning every time a bit more and a bit easier even when it’s almost overwhelming me. The panic attacks got shorter and I can put an end to it when I really focus on it. Concentrating on stopping it, telling myself over and over again that I do not have to be scared, telling myself over and over again that I am safe, telling myself over and over again that this person next to me is not the person that raped me or a stranger that molested me. Concentrating on positive things in my life. With all I’ve got I am pulling myself out of these negative emotions, out of this feeling of losing it.[…]”

Breaking my silence 

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My first book From the Ashes I Will Rise  is now available on amazon, my memoir written down in poetry and thoughts and that means

that today I’m forcing myself to speak openly and publicly about something that haunted me for almost 6 years now. Today I’m choosing to let the world in, into my fears, into my pain. Today I stop protecting the one who raped me and caused me this agony.

It took me almost 6 years to recover, to heal from wounds on my soul that can start bleeding again every single minute.

I myself chose to pick up my broken uncountable pieces to put them back together to a beautiful mosaic to show it to this actual beautiful place called earth.

I myself chose to turn something that ruined my soul and heart for almost 6 years into strength and hope, not only for myself but everybody else.

It took me all I’ve got to heal and I tell you one thing: I will not let anybody victim-blame me or anything. I will not let anybody put any kind of negativity into my life ever again.

I am good on my own and every single person from my surroundings that chooses to blame me for something that wasn’t in my control will be cut out of my life.

And if I can be hope for others and help people to find the strength to leave a toxic environment behind then I’ll feel highly honored and will have reached my goal and if I cannot do this then I’ll still be proud of myself for exactly doing that.

Today I’m speaking up not only for myself but for every single soul out there that suffers.

From the Ashes I’m rising today and so will you.

Get a copy of my book and let me inspire and strengthen you: From the Ashes I Will Rise

Love,

Soyadeba

For everyone who is seeking hope

Today I would like to recommend a book. It’s not only one book, it’s the first book I wrote and finished and it will be published in 2 weeks on Amazon.

Even though I am not a big fan of authors telling you to read their book because it’s good (of course we like the books we’re writing otherwise we wouldn’t publish them) I want to tell you that if you are seeking hope and strength because you’re going through hell then this book will help you.
I went through hell. Through the hell of sexual abuse and rape. Through the hell of a broken heart, of feeling broken, hopeless and numbness yet I came out alive and here I am writing for every soul out there that suffers.

“From the Ashes I Will Rise” delivers information about the consequences of rape and sexual abuse from the survivor’s point of view. It delivers hope and happiness. You will learn about panic attacks and the feeling of being paralized, about surviving and about finding your way back to the bright side of life.

Mainly it’s written in poetry and thoughts where you can see and feel how I was suffering but also how much beauty you can find in life. It’s about love, life, hope, suffering and recovering. If you are going through hell right now because something terrible happened to you such as rape or even something else, especially if it’s a toxic relationship, then I want to give you hope and love that you get through this.

It’s a book from a rape survivor for other survivors, especially the ones who see themselves as victims or who blame themselves for what happened. You are not what happened to you and it’s not your fault. Trust me, I’ve been there.

My heart and soul bled into “From the Ashes I Will Rise” and after some people read it or the first few pages they told me that I gave them hope even if they did not go through PTSD or experienced sexual assault or rape. It’s a book for everyone but especially dedicated to all the souls out there that suffer. You are not alone.

I really hope I can help you at least a little bit with it. Have a look: http://amzn.to/29TVRZn From The Ashes I Will Rise

Love,
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